“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
— Rabbi Earl A. Grollman
“Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect. It makes you human.”
— Sarah Dessen
Grief is a natural and deeply human response to loss, yet many of us carry misconceptions that make navigating it even harder. For healthcare professionals who may face repeated, often unacknowledged losses, the weight of those misconceptions can feel especially heavy.
Below, we explore three common myths about grief and how you can support yourself with healthier, more compassionate coping tools.
Myth #1: You’ll Move Through Grief in Neat, Linear Stages
You’ve probably heard of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What’s less widely known is that this model was originally developed to describe the experiences of people facing their own terminal diagnoses in hospice care. Over time, these stages were generalized to all kinds of grief, even though the evidence doesn’t fully support that use.
The truth?
Grief is rarely linear.
It loops, shifts, quiets, and resurfaces, sometimes years later.
Grief may not disappear permanently, and new losses can stir up old ones. This isn’t regression; it’s normal. It simply reflects the reality that each loss carries the weight of the ones that came before.
Myth #2: “I Shouldn’t Feel This Bad”
In both personal and professional settings, you may have absorbed unwritten or even explicit rules about which emotional responses are “appropriate.” Healthcare culture in particular can convey rigid expectations to be calm, be steady, be composed.
But grief is not diminished by your job title.
Grief that is unacknowledged or invalidated by others or by social norms is known as disenfranchised grief. Dr. Kenneth Doka first introduced the term in 1989, and decades of research have reinforced what clinicians know intuitively: when grief is denied or minimized, it becomes more difficult to manage.
Disenfranchised grief commonly occurs in situations such as:
- Loss of a pet;
- Loss of an ex-partner or distant relative;
- Loss of someone others perceive as “not that close;” and
- Losses considered “part of the job,” especially in healthcare.
But expectation does not erase impact. Losses that are anticipated can still hurt.
When grief is dismissed by peers, by culture, or by ourselves, we layer shame and self-judgment on top of the pain of the loss itself. Healing becomes harder.
Grief is not a competition. There is no hierarchy of losses. Acknowledging your grief does not diminish your compassion for the losses of others.
Myth #3: “I Can’t Deal With This Right Now”
Compartmentalization helps us get through shifts, emergencies, and daily responsibilities. But long-term emotional avoidance magnifies distress.
Think of a storage closet in your home. You find an old hockey stick that you’re not sure what to do with so you stick it in the closet. That coat you haven’t worn in three years but might wear next winter? Stick it in the closet. The newspaper clippings you haven’t gotten around to reading? In the closet. And on and on.
Eventually of course, your closet can’t hold anymore. You go to put the next thing in and everything comes tumbling out.
Our emotional storage is also limited. When feelings remain unprocessed, they accumulate. Over time, you may fear that allowing yourself to feel will be overwhelming. But intense emotions do not last forever, especially when they’re acknowledged.
Adaptive coping skills can help you experience emotions without being overwhelmed by them. These techniques provide structure and containment so your feelings have room to rise and fall naturally.
Coping Strategies for Grief
Whether you’re grieving a loved one, a patient, a relationship, an opportunity, or a shift in identity, I invite you to show yourself compassion in the process.
1. Hold Space for Your Feelings
Give yourself permission to grieve, even if others don’t recognize your loss. Avoidance increases distress over time; acknowledgment promotes healing.
2. Name Your Feelings
Name your feelings (sad, angry, disappointed, guilty, numb, etc.). You may, and probably do, feel a combination of feelings. That’s normal and healthy. It is also normal and healthy for emotions to ebb and flow and change, often in a short period of time. Naming your feelings is a step to managing them adaptively.
3. Notice “Should” Statements
Messages like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I should be over this by now” create inauthenticity and shame. Try replacing “should” statements with an attitude of curiosity (e.g., “what am I actually feeling right now?”).
4. Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking
Just because people don’t seem to be acknowledging your grief doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Be attuned to “all-or-nothing” thinking, a cognitive distortion in which we fail to recognize nuance in interpersonal interactions or other situations. You can challenge these distortions through asking yourself:
- What is the evidence that supports those thoughts?
- And what is the evidence against those thoughts?
- If a friend told you that they were having those sorts of thoughts, what would you say to them?
5. Support Your Physical Well-Being
To the extent that you are able, get enough rest, ensure proper hydration and nutrition, and engage in regular exercise. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, change your physical state. Stand up if you are sitting. Drink a glass of cold water or hot tea. Splash water on your face. Do the small things that physically soothe you.
6. Create a Ritual of Acknowledgment
Rituals don’t need to be elaborate. Observing a moment of silence, lighting a candle, or reading a poem may be enough to honor the loss and begin to move forward. The best ritual is the one that’s best for you. Grief is an intensely personal experience and so is coping.
7. Practice Emotional Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is not about suppressing emotion. It’s about managing intensity so that feelings are tolerable rather than overwhelming. Grounding, breathing techniques, movement, and supportive connection all help regulate the nervous system.
8. Try Grounding Techniques
One effective grounding exercise can be called 5-4-3-2-1. Gently focus your attention on yourself and your environment and identify:
- 5 things you can see;
- 4 things you can touch;
- 3 things you can hear;
- 2 things you can smell; and
- 1 thing you can taste.
If you are unable or prefer not to do one of these steps, simply leave it out.
9. Offer Yourself Kindness
Simple, not easy. But this is foundational.
What If You Don’t Feel Grief at All?
Some clinicians worry that not feeling grief, or not feeling “enough” of it, means they didn’t care, or that burnout has hollowed them out.
But emotional responses are influenced by many factors:
- Your inherent emotional reactivity;
- Your history of loss;
- Your spiritual or cultural beliefs;
- Your coping style (including detached compassion); and
- Your emotional state at any given time.
These are explanations, not judgments. Not feeling grief in a particular moment does not mean you lack empathy. It simply means your emotional response is your own.
Final Thoughts
Grief is not a flaw, a failure, or a sign of weakness. It is a normal and healthy response to loss, a part of being human. It doesn’t follow a straight line, and it doesn’t need anyone else’s approval to be valid. For healthcare professionals, the constant exposure to pain, death, and disappointment can make grief both more frequent and more invisible. But your feelings matter and they deserve space.
Acknowledging grief, rather than fighting it, can open a path to healing.